I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
