I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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