I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
