today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize