i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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