Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize