I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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