I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
