Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
