I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
