Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize