I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
