i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
