My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I would fuck him just for his dog
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
