i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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