ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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