Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Randomize