I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She bit a glass in half.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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