what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
