I think I died a long time ago.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
