i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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