I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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