I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
