Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
time to smoke my breakfast
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
