I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
