last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
