you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is Oprah even human
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
