why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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