I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
