Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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