worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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