I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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