My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
