I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
