just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
