Best friends brother. Beat that.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize