If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
