i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
