Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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