The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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