Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize