Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sext me about skeletons
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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