3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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