My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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