So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
