the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
