I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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