I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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