dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
