Will you blow on my dice?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
