I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i believe in u and ur pee
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
