Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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