I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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