I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
