I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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