Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
