I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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