Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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