shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do vagina's smell?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
