So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
