Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
as a side note pls kill me
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