Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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