Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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