I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
