I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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